One of my best friends just sent me a message.
(If you’re not a subscriber, you can become one quite easily – just slap your email address into that little subscribe box on the right side of any page on the site).
I’ve made excuses already for missing previous posts – it’s the holiday season, and travel and family have taken priority over cranking out a blog some days.
But yesterday, I had no excuse. I was off work, with hours of free time to write. Most of those hours were spent pacing around restlessly, unable to focus. The rest were spent staring at that little blinking line, taunting me on an untouched word document.
The truth is, I was so proud of my post on Sunday. I wanted to write something just as good. Something perfect, to continue the streak. And it wasn’t coming to me.
I fled the agony of this mental block by getting out of the house. Later that afternoon, I was sitting in a coffee shop a couple hours away, chatting with my girlfriend about why I just couldn’t put pen to paper, metaphorically speaking.
I told her that I’d added a few new navigation items to the main menu yesterday – one, “Poetry,” is still there. The other was “author’s faves.”
This section would house all of my very favorite posts – like Sunday’s #18 – it had flowed out of me so quickly and naturally, and I thought I was just so clever for having written it.
“It was good,” Sarah said. “But not really one of my favorites.”
I was a bit taken aback, almost offended for half a second.
But as an artist, I don’t really have room to be offended. Because as much as writing idk anything is for my own benefit, I would be lying if I said I didn’t write every post with you – my audience – in mind.
I take careful notice of who likes my posts on facebook. Of who leaves comments. Of who subscribes. Some of you are close friends, some mere acquaintances, some total strangers.
And it’s interesting to see which types of posts get the most engagement. Which ones evoke more thoughtful responses, and which ones appeal to people’s’ emotions.
I ultimately removed the “author’s faves” section. What makes me so special that only the posts I like should be featured? I’d rather you figure out which ones you enjoy for yourself, without my opinion influencing that process.
So I’d like to apologize to my followers for missing my post yesterday. I was, admittedly, scared.
I think we all feel a lot of pressure to appear constantly perfect online. We very carefully curate our social media feeds to house only the most attractive or entertaining photos of us. To post articles that show off our heightened intellects or senses of humor.
We are not quick to show weakness online. To make mistakes. To fail in front of others.
And with this blog, I am realizing that I have to make myself vulnerable. Occasionally I’ll have to publish a post that’s a total flop. I’ll write stuff I love, but which others don’t. Or vice versa.
Because in reality, I am a person who has many bad days. As I’ve made abundantly clear since starting this blog, I fight the good fight , daily against self-doubt.
Writing a blog every day seemed very scary at first, and it still does. But I’m slowly learning to cope with that fear, to acknowledge that no one is always on their A-game.
I liken it to posting a selfie a day – there are days when I think I look fly as heck. My hair is doing what it’s supposed to, maybe I just shaved, I have no visible acne.
And then there are days when I feel pretty gross, when I would be horrified to have to post a close-up of my own face. But that’s the nature of the challenge.
Not every day will be perfect.
And that’s okay.